Big Ben Enterprises

Big Ben Enterprises
"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages to the greatest show in the world...to the death!"

-Big Ben I, Owner, Founder, and Proprietor of Big Ben Enterprises

Overview
Big Ben Enterprises is the second most lucrative business venture in all of Angstasia. While exact numbers are unknown, it has been said that if Big Ben were to wish to purchase a naval fleet of twelve thousand warships, he would merely have to stop to defecate in order for the interest on his bank account to accrue enough to cover the expense. It is comprised of a vast multitude of smaller companies which all report to Ben Ben Enterprises as an umbrella corporation. The most notable three (also known as Big Ben's Golden Trifecta) are Big Ben's Harlot Caravan, Big Ben's Bastard Warehouse and Emporium, and (opening soon in a homebrew campaign setting near you) Big Ben's Bipolar Unicorn Death Race Arena.

Big Ben's Harlot Caravan
Big Ben's Harlot Caravan is a travelling wagon train that encircles the Oasis in the Weisahaht Desert on the southern part of the continent of Angstasia. While the name implies that this bandwagon only sells prostitutes, this is only a side business. The BBHC actually makes the majority of its money from selling fresh water. A general sale will go as follows:

BBHC: Welcome to Big Ben's Harlot Caravan, would you like to purchase some fresh water?

Customer: Are you insane? There's an Oasis RIGHT THERE! I'm going to go dunk my head in the Oasis.

BBHC: But sir, this water is only 25 Gold per gallon, and you've been in the hot desert air for so long.

Customer: *Runs to Oasis and dunks head in*

Customer: UGH! Oh my God! This is saltwater! Please! Take my 25 gold! I need a gallon of fresh water.

BBHC: Sorry sir, but because you didn't listen when I was trying to sell it to you earlier, it is now 100 gold per quart.

Customer: That's ludicrous! I'm not paying your stupid gouged prices!

BBHC: That's unfortunate. Because you have approximately 30 minutes before you die of dehydration, based on how much salt water you just drank. Besides, you wouldn't want to upset me and cause me to raise the price again, would you?

Big Ben's Bastard Warehouse and Emporium
The piece of the Golden Trifecta which has been called "the awkwardly thick glue that holds Big Ben Enterprises together," Big Ben's Bastard Warehouse and Emporium is located west of Dead End, and south of the Mediocre Wall of Seitenin. This portion of Big Ben Enterprises offers hourly tours of the factory grounds for 12 gold/ticket (prices subject to availability and demand).

Inside the factory, a tour guide will show guests through the rigorous process of manufacuring "bastards." While there is a large portion of the process that remains trademarked and confidential, patrons can see that excess, inedible parts of sheep, goats, pigs, cows, turkeys, chickens, orphans, and other animals are compressed together in a manner very similar to that of the production process of the McRib. The main difference is that ehy are compressed into the shape of human beings. These "bastards" are then loaded into semi trucks, where they are shipped to be employees of the rest of Big Ben Enterprises. Although inanimate when they are shipped, One of the main production secrets of Big Ben's Bastard Warehouse and Emporuim is the eventual animation of these "bastards."

Recently, however, several shipments of bastards to Big Ben's Harlot Caravan have gone missing before reaching their destination. Investigative reports have confirmed that they seem to be disappearing somewhere within the massive forest surrounding Copenhagen. While several parties have been hired (and offered ludicrous sums of money for successful shipment), none have been able to thwart whatever mysterious bastard bandit has been intercepting these shipments. Neither the products being shipped, nor the bodies of the adventuring parties have been recovered to date.

Big Ben's Bipolar Unicorn Death Race Arena
The newest addition to the Big Ben Enterprises family, Big Ben's Bipolar Unicorn Death Race Arenas have begun to pop up in locations all across the globe. Most notable and large among them is the one outside of St. Richardstine on the continent of Ailartsua. It has been said that plans are in the works to open another on the Angstasian continent. When asked about this, Big Ben stated, "I'd really love to, honestly. It's dangerous to get to our main location right now. But we have to apprehend those Bastard Bandits first."

Big Ben's Bipolar Unicorn Death Race Arena started one day when several of the bastards working for Big Ben decided to unionize. In response to their unholy union, Big Ben transformed them into deformed horned horses with mental disorders. He then decided that there were too many of them (and that they were too dangerous) to simply release into the wild. He contained them in a transdimensional space for a period of approximately seven hours, while he summoned the Great Tribunal to debate and deliberate over what to do with them. When the tribunal ceased, Big Ben decided to pit them, one against another, to the death for fun and profit.

At Big Ben's Bipolar Unicorn Death Race Arena, fortunes may be won and lost, destinies may be forged, and the going rate on a soul is approximately 49,000 gold (prices subject to change based on condition of soul, availability of gold, and current demand of souls). Patrons may place bets on which of the deranged deformities they believe will win in any number of competitive events. These events include, but are not limited to Mixed Martial Arts, Poker, Stock Car Racing, Synchronized Swimming, Pole Vaulting, Ping Pong, and Ice Hockey. Entry is only permitted to those who have reached their race's age of adulthood or have signed permission slips from their parents, as all competitive events are to the death at Big Ben's Bipolar Unicorn Death Race Arena.